Unbelievably Craig

Dear Mr David,
I apologize if my letter sounds rude but I truly detest your songs. I know they have made lots of young girls cry but they just don't do it for me. No, sorry. I do think you are a very beautiful man though and if I were you, I would entertain the idea of switching to a modeling career.

But life, as you should probably know, Mr David, could play the craziest trick. It happened one night on December last year, when somebody with the most beautiful laugh, dedicated a song to me. The song, as you may have guessed by now, is one of yours, titled Unbelievable.

Unbelievable indeed.

Of all the sappy love songs roaming freely in the universe, the person with the kindest heart told me that your unbelievable song is the very song that embodies his deepest feeling for me. And the moment really humbled me.

Mr David, who am I to judge you? I'm just a lowly writer wannabe struggling to even post this letter on this blog. While you could get into a stranger's heart and feel the very nature of his emotion. I can now see you in a different light. Maybe there is something significant in your songs. At least one of them represents how I made such an impression on other, and that is very uplifting.

Please understand however, that the experience had not changed my opinion about your other songs. Except for that one particular song which has earned a special status on my greatest love songs of all times, along with Live's Turn My Head, Wannadie's You and Me Song, Depeche Mode's Somebody (do you see now why you're so not my type of entertainer?), I still think you should spend a bit more time writing the lyrics. Or maybe if writing about love gets a bit tedious, try songs about cosmic joke instead.

Sincerely,
Drunken Monkey

P.S: I would like to inform you that I have become very intimate with the person who dedicated Unbelievable to me, and our 1st anniversary is due on the next two days.

P.P.S: I know that there are no words adequate to describe my feelings for him, so instead of trying too hard and in the end cheapen the meaning of the relationship, I decided I would not even try. Hence, this letter.

P.P.P.S: In my opinion, it is highly appropriate to end this letter by attaching the lyrics of Unbelieveable


Unbelievable

Always said I would know where to find love,
Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
But some times I just felt I could give up.
But you came and changed my whole world now,
I'm somewhere I've never been before.
Now I see, what love means.

[Chorus]
It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.

In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
Hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how-.
I'm alive, I'm in love you complete me,
And I've never been here before.
Now I see, what love means.

[Chorus]

When I think of what I have, and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Ohh yeah, break down and cry.

[Chorus]

Now I see, what love means

Damn all the cooks at McDonalds.

Or Burger King, or KFC, or any other American franchises because every time their wives refuse to have sex with them, they can just channel their frustration by spitting into the burgers.

Damn all the cooks at the Chinese Restaurants

Because every time they lose money at the card game they can release their stress by peeing into the sweet and sour soup.

Damn all the cooks at the Italian Restaurants

Because every time someone sends back a plate of spaghetti they can just throw it on the floor, let it mixed with dirt and pick it up and replace it on the plate, add a little garnish, and say that the said spaghetti has been re cooked or re heated or whatever the customer wants it to be done.

Damn all the cooks at the French Restaurants

Because every time a customer gets on their nerves they can just fart on the food and carry the food to the table themselves, and watch with satisfaction as the unfortunate customer chews on the food and complimenting it.

Damn all the cooks

Who have the luxury of hiding in the kitchen with the door closed. They can just do whatever they want with the food and by the end of the shift they can grab some beers and laugh over the facts that some sorry ass dude has eaten their spit, pee, fart and other nastiness.

That must be the greatest feeling of all.

The feeling that I would never experience, EVER.


- the bitter teppanyaki cook -

Confessions of a Serial Killer

I killed a hundred little children and I buried their bodies in my backyard. They are on the corner of a very famous street, in a respected residential area, the last place people would look for decomposed children bodies.

I do not remember the names of my victims therefore for documentation I have categorized them into what I predict their future would be, had they not been killed by me.

Below are the five categories, not in any particular order, as contrary to typical personalities of serial killers, I am not a very organized person.

They are:
1. 20 Samples of Children Who Would Sleep With Other People’s Husbands
2. 20 Samples of Children Who Would Steal From The Poor
3. 20 Samples of Children Who Would Molest Little Children
4. 20 Samples of Children Who Would Have Crystal Meth Lab On Their Basements
5. 20 Samples Children Who Would Sell Their Bodies To Support a Heroin Habit, Or Any Other Habit For That Matter

I see those children are of no use for the future, because the world has already suffered as it is from never ending wars, global warming, terrorism, natural disaster and frustrated unhappy people who have wrong ideas about everything.

Those children were not randomly picked. I had followed the life of each individual child at a very close range to arrive to the conclusion that that particular child had better off not living.

The factors I used for my considerations are:
1. Genetic Heritage
2. Financial Situation
3. Family Educational Background
4. Religious Belief or Lack of It
5. Physical Appearance

Factor No 5 I believe is the make or break factor, for it has the power to negate the other 4. For those who doubt my theory, I would like to present two case studies: Adolf Hitler and Pamela Anderson. I believe no further explanation is needed.

I did not sexually molest any of the children, for I am not suffering from any sexual perversion. I did not perform any kind of torture while they were still alive, for I do not believe in aggression.

I gave each and every one of them decent burial, each one was put in a nice expensive coffin, for each person died a hero, little angels who did not have to turn into satanic human being as adults.

I preserved their souls and I sent them to heaven with my own two hands. I believe that a hundred is a large enough number to make my point clear.

I killed not because I was driven by animal urges or under demonic spell. I killed because I long for a world free of criminals and injustice. I long for a world of intellectuals who could think freely and act fairly.

This is a plea for indecent people to stop producing indecent children.

Please help me in saving the world.