seorang perempuan di jakarta

Perempuan itu menghangatkan sebuah apple pie di microwave untuk kudapan malam bagi suaminya. Bagaimana aku bisa tahu? Karena aku mengikutinya, perempuan itu dan suaminya. Tentu tanpa mereka tahu.

Waktu menunjukkan pukul 00.43

Tapi perempuan itu dan suaminya memang biasa tidur larut. Itu pengakuan perempuan itu sendiri. Tentunya pengakuan itu tak ditujukan untukku. Tapi aku bisa tahu.

Kadang perempuan itu menikmati sendiri kudapannya di kala larut.
Kadang suaminya memang tak ada di sisinya. Bagi lelaki, pekerjaan adalah pernikahan pertama. Itu kata suaminya dan perempuan itu menerima.

Perempuan itu adalah perempuan pencinta. Kata-katanya begitu manis dan ia nyaris tak pernah bertanya. Kubayangkan ia terlahir dalam bungkusan udara yang berbeda. Sebuah bola tipis mengelilingi tubuhnya, melindunginya dari sakit dunia nyata.

Rumahnya, surganya
Tawa bocah mungilnya yang selalu ingin ikut terjaga di malam hari bersamanya
Kata-kata manis suaminya kala terlambat satu dua jam atau bahkan tiga
Perjalanan ke luar kota setiap awal bulan, makan siang bersama ayah ibunya setiap akhir pekan
Perbincangan ringan bersama sahabat-sahabatnya
yang sama sepertinya, melewati hidup tanpa tanya

Perempuan berhati putih, betapa hatiku sedih untuknya. Dan sejurus kemudian marah itu datang merenggut sedihku.

Perempuan bodoh, bukalah matamu.

Cari di mana suamimu dan kenali siapa ia sebenarnya. Jiwanya hilang sejak ia dilahirkan dan ia belum berhenti mencari. Ketahuilah, perempuan pencinta. Cinta tidak seharusnya hadir tanpa tanya.

Karena perempuan seperti dirinya ada, lelaki seperti suaminya pun akan tetap ada.
Perempuan yang menerima, yang tersenyum walau tak bahagia, yang menyambut penuh cinta meski suaminya pulang larut, terlalu larut untuk tak terjadi apa-apa dalam pencarian hilang jiwanya.

Dalam marahku, kuludahi wajahnya
Perempuan tak berdosa namun tak berguna
Perempuan kuat dalam lemahnya
Perempuan lemah dalam kuatnya
Perempuan dengan cintanya yang sia-sia

diam

ada yang hilang
saat tak lagi berkumandang
di telingaku
suaramu

kau diam
kala kuputuskan untuk tak diam
kau diam
agar kutelan kembali suaraku
dan ku diam

ku kembali jadi aku
seperti aku di benakmu
penjaga suasana hati
bukan milikku
namun milikmu

ku diam
dan kuputuskan tuk selalu diam
karena diammu membunuhku
karena mati aku melihatmu
diam

a narcissist's love story

the woman sits alone in the corner nursing a cup of milky coffee
she sips her coffee slowly savoring the precious moment of her solitude
it seems ironic that she had spent a magnanimous amount of her breathing time looking for someone to share her life with
while in reality she only finds peace when she has only her own thoughts as company
thirty nine years and thirty five men
though it actually was more than thirty five she simply stopped counting at thirty five
she is the eternal soul searcher
never treachery never deception never a grand scheme
she simply fell out of love every time
it was just the way he buttered his bread
the way he used the wrong fork
the way he misunderstood her words
the way he did not appreciate her time
the way he expected her to accommodate him
the way he wanted her to see things from his eyes
the way he felt too comfortable being in a twosome that he simply dropped his guard and slipped into himself
each and every one of them
and the life she had walked willingly into some years earlier began to feel like a trap
only she was too frightened to admit that she needed no one
she still is
and history repeats itself
it becomes a vicious cycle she is unable to break
today as she sits nursing her milky coffee that grows increasingly cold
she thinks about death and her life in reverse
about the uselessness of love and its consequences
or whether love really exists or is it just a deception
a justification for the need to reproduce
a survival instinct to prevent humanity from extinction
or simply because human beings were not created self sufficient
and the thought of dying alone frightens everyone
although everyone will meet death alone even if hundreds of other people are in the room when death descent
and she feels utterly cheated
it was not them
it was not her
it was the complexity of dissolving into a blended being
or perhaps it was her inability to accept it graciously
but one can only bend so many rules
she is cursed they may say
but she chooses to believe she is
enlightened