monkey beast

the fear in your eyes
as you plead you worthless life
you fool, should've known I wouldn't have cared
in my world, I rule

you say,
have mercy on me
don't play God on me

I say,
I don't
No intention to play God
No intention to be God
I just dislike you

you say,
forgive my wrongdoings
we all make mistakes

I say,
It's true, but I never do you wrong
what right do you have to do me wrong

you say,
I can't help it
after all we are only human

I say,
ah, you know what
that's where you made a mistake
cause I'm no human
not even close

and in my world,
I r u l e

requiem for the unrequited

hello child what do you know
you said you've been to hell but you were not even close
if that was hell child, what do you call the places I'd been
beyond purgatory sweetpea,
beyond anything your small cherry mind could ever imagine

pink bubbly cuddly you were chosen to be
you said you'd seen death but honey,
you have never been burned alive
death is ultimate I know but pain is eternal
so don't compare, don't you even go there

glorious child how sweet for you to try to understand
but a mind like mine works in ways you will never ever comprehend
no matter how you struggle, or try to get smarter
deciphering dreams from a broken soul would never get any easier

so could you please do me a little favor
I need you to never engage me in any conversation
ah don't get me wrong sweet child it's not jealousy I feel
like cheese and chalk, some things are just never meant to be

a plethora of old time creativity

borrowed love

take one day at a time
take moment after moment
take life as it comes
it's time to heal a heart that's broken

take away my dreams and wishes, everything
until they come to a complete nothing
simply nothing
take time for reflecting
it's time to heal a heart that's broken

life goes up and down in high and sorrow
the only hope to hold is tomorrow
it's time
it's time to heal a heart that's broken
it's time to return the love that I borrowed

my devil's army

love that loves me too much
love that leaves love that lies
love that betrays
love that is no longer there
forever that is cut short
everlasting that does not last
unspoken intention, twisted logic and justification
the true meaning behind the eyes
spoken words sugarcoated with black and white lies
it's a face I love
it's a face I do not know that holds my love
a face with every name
a face with no name
a face I may not even recognize
it's every sad song
it's every hate song
it's every drug that does not work
it's every person who hardens my soul


a lot like love

welcome to place
where dream is bordering on empty
a labyrinth of false hope
a tunnel of blinding happiness
be there when it breaks
feel the rush
the awareness of being reborn into oblivion
it's a lot like living
the anticipation, the purest joy
the heartbreak that follows
pushing into a dark place
spiraling on sadness
until there is nothing but empty
it's a lot like love actually

coming down

long island blended
with ecstasy, happy hour extended
and you stood by me
to heaven and hell and back our journey suspended
as closing time arriving
oh the comedown of the morning

and you left me
with a profound sadness that hurts beyond repair

come back to me my music of the night
let me live in delusional ecstasy
and hold on to your delusional love
let me dream, let me float
in a make-believe heaven
until the day I burn in hell

overdosed

pins and needles
not the kind of pain that hurts
but when linger,
utter discomfort

I dream in colors
glorifying in psychedelia
the trueness of beauty
but what does beauty mean?
as the only way to soak up its energy
is to let myself bleed
tortured by the thorns

but it will be worth it
because when I lose my sight on such beauty
I would lose my mind
so let me bleed

my beautiful secret

if only I could tell the world
how life in color really feels
a feast to the eye, sweet to the taste
as if we live in endless summer
texture of laughters
contrast with strokes of tenderness
revealing the most beautiful color
the most beautiful form
of moments words fail to explain
as you reach out to me
waking up all my senses
I long for you as if possessed
and the night celebrates with the stars
a twinkle in your eye, playful like a child
and you have me, all of me, insanely
we belong to the night of dreams
and fiery passion
and you fill me, every part of me
immensely, completely

the wheel

Growing up, Hamster was told to never jump out from the wheel before he accumulates enough merits. His mother had made a list of merits that he should acquire before he could be considered mature enough and is allowed to venture off his designated wheel. Hamster accepted this as his fate, he was not aware that options were available for him.

Day by day Hamster was wheeling around, dutifully ticking off what’s on his list. He did everything as told, never questioned, never challenged and was relatively at ease with himself.

His mother said,” The key to happiness is to resign to your path and do your tasks. It may feel tedious but it is necessary. Only after you have accumulated everything, you will find true happiness as your reward.”

So Hamster wheeled around. At times boredom did come upon him and doubt did creep in but he had a lot of faith on his mother’s words therefore he shut his mind from too much thinking and wheeled.

After several years into his adulthood, Hamster had ticked off three quarter of his list. His mother nodded approvingly at his progress. Soon, Hamster would be granted his life. He could jump out off the wheel and start to live. Hamster, however, had mixed feelings about the future off the wheel. Years of mechanically ticking off a list had created some kind of a comfort zone for him. He was excited but scared, mostly scared.

And one day he saw Female, a natural beauty who was the exact opposite of him. She was careless and carefree and she did not give a damn about the list.

“I threw mine away years ago,” said Female, ”Why would anyone bother about a list when nobody knows for sure what would happen the next second?”

“Yes but by staying in the wheel to fulfill the list gives your life purpose,”

“I thought the purpose is to be happy, how could anyone be happy just walking in circles day after day?”

“It’s only temporary. I’m accumulating merits. Then I’ll be free to get off the wheel and be happy. That would be my reward.”

“Why not just jump off it and be free and happy now?”

“How could I be happy before I accumulate all the merits? What am I going to live on?”

“You don’t live by merits, you live by faith.”

“That’s very irresponsible!”

Female smiled and walked away. Hamster felt a very strong urge to follow her then and there but he fought it. Her lifestyle was way too scary for him to follow. Hamster had a very timid personality and he cringed at the very thought of not doing what he was supposed to do.

But after she left, Hamster suddenly felt empty. He had never felt like this before. He began to question his life and lost his sense of purpose. He still wheeled dutifully, but his motive in doing so was becoming more and more muddied with confusion.

Hamster mustered all his strength to refocus on his task at hand. But the lure of young love was too great for him to ignore. Female was all he could think about. He longed to abandon the wheel and chase Female and whisk her away and live happily ever after without a care in the world. But what about the merits? Surely the consequences would catch up with him sooner or later and Hamster was not one who could face consequences.

So Hamster persevered. He wheeled on with a heavy heart and an uncertain mind. His thoughts wandered. He lost his focus and one day he slipped and fell hard from the wheel. He snapped his neck from the fall and died instantly. His mother cried for seven days. On the eighth day she buried him and wrote on his tombstone: a dutiful son, died on his way to build a happy life.

the urban weekend

One
Bar

It’s an alcohol-fueled, ecstasy-induced euphoria. The blinding light, the blaring sound, the
air is breathing hedonism. Drown your sorrow in Jack Daniels on the rocks – wait, make it a double.

From the darkness a figure approaches. Nothing special, just a regular guy, the type who might sell you a Hyundai on weekdays, standing grinning stupidly in a car exhibition, carrying stacks of useless brochures. Tonight, though, he’s someone.

I like your nose, comes the opening line. Or it could’ve been something else but just as cheesy and lame. Yeah whatever. I just want to kiss you in the mouth.

When you’re drunk, you act on instinct. Everything is primal. You degrade yourself to the level of monkeys, or dogs, or whichever is the lower. You see a person as a conquest. Can I score tonight?

Is it possible that we are always empty that we need to be constantly filled? Whenever we are almost full, we would punch a hole somewhere so it will spill out, and we need to be refilled. Just like my glass over at the bar. Could you buy me more drinks please? I’ll be sweet to you later.

And it is hard to fill an empty soul. Everything evaporates. Just like this human being beside me
tonight. He would fill me for probably about ten minutes the longest then he would leave a hole even bigger, even deeper.

Some pray, some pay shrinks, some worship fortune teller, some read classics, some devour trashy magazines, some watch episode after episode of StarTrek, some ask Google, some scan stinky bars, just to find meaning. To find the ultimate answer of the ever-annoying question: why are we here?

And the answer is: who cares? The night is young, the drink is strong and this Hyundai guy beside me seems like he’s up to no good. My kind of guy exactly.

Two
Bed

Rings of smoke, puffing cigarette post-coital. So sophisticated, so Hollywood. Too bad he’s unbelievably ugly with the lights on. But he was good, really good. That’s the good thing about ugly guys, they try harder.

Where are you going? To the shower, where else? You must be mad if you think I want to lie here smelling your scent all night.

Cold water cut through my skin. Shitty rented room with no hot shower. I wonder how much this guy makes in a month. I must’ve been really wasted to end up with him. But he was good. I must give him some credits.

Okay, where’s my car key? Stop! Where are you going? Out, of course. I thought you might want to stay a bit longer. To do what? I don’t know, chat? Are we best friends now? Do we talk about life now? I don’t even know your name. I told you my name. Well I forgot, ok, it doesn’t matter. I’m out of here, thanks it was great, good bye.

Fucking bitch!

Fucking typical. If he’s the one who casually walks out after sex he’s just being a guy. Sow the seed and leave.

Now, you couldn’t forget me no matter how hard you try, could you? You can’t refer to me as this night’s conquest, you cannot brag to your stupid buddies. You were my conquest. I was the one fucking you. Wham bam thank you macho man!

Three
Breakfast

A fat mug of steaming black coffee. A little sugar. Stir it well. Inhale the aroma of fresh beans. Traces of hangover slowly fade. What bliss. I wonder if this is finally heaven.

See, I’m simple. I’m the kind of girl who takes pleasure in little details. The first sip of coffee, the first bite of buttery toast, I live for the moment.

Right. Some decisions to make. And for someone who has breakfast at 4 PM on Sundays, it’s not an easy job. Focus now, self. The day will be over in precisely eight hours and it will be fucking Monday before you know it.

While I sincerely don’t want to fall into stereotypes here, I have to admit that I do genuinely hate Mondays, just like every other bastard in this planet. I am convinced that it was the Nazis that invented Mondays. I’m sure that God created only six days in a week, so man could work for the three days and get wasted on the other three. It’s a balance, yin and yang.

Right, focus.

As much as I hate to admit it, I really need to find a job. Been living off my credit cards for the past month and I’m on my way of maxing out the platinum card that my dad gave me, the very card I swore, on my golden days, never going to use, because it was an insult to my independence.

Yeah, well, talk is cheap. Booze are not. And not to mention those fancy drugs. And those fancy leather shoes that I just had to buy because I was depressed and depression did that to people.

The reality is, I’m in so much debt I think I have to live up to 250 to pay it all off.

But finding a job, where?

Tried the corporate life for six bleeding years. Made good money. Made good career. Made good network. Seriously, ask around, people in the industry know me.I’m that famous. But I know it, just like you know it, that it’s just a lot of crap. So I bought my first brand new car, in cash, at the age of 28 and quit. I had no ambition to be somebody, I just wanted to be myself.

And I found myself really, really broke and just as disoriented, if not more.

I chose to blame the freaking philosophers. At least money has meanings. It means getting seriously drunk every weekend and the world would be sweet all over again.

Hurry, hurry, the clock is ticking. Fucking deadline’s breathing down my neck.
When people are under pressure, they don’t rationalize, they just follow their guts.

So I decided to take that job they offered me in hell.

Big Burly and The Little Fairy

There was a little boy by the name of Burly. All his life he was told to always be tough and surly. He spoke with volume and grew his hair curly. He was a real strong boy, nothing of him could be called girly.

Burly took himself a little too seriously. He was aware of his strength and he used his power unwisely. He trashed those unfortunate enough to cross his path with words and actions so unkindly. He was well set to conquer and he was sure to win, undoubtedly.

One day he heard of a fairy so small and lovely. People talked about her and their eyes shone lovingly. Burly was bright with red hot jealousy. He hunted the fairy and tried to kill her viciously.

Tried as he may, Burly was never able to lay his hand on the fairy. He used all his strength but she flew away freely. Burly was defeated and took it rather sourly. One thing he didn't quite realize was that all fairies flew because they took themselves lightly.

(to all fairies out there, we gotta keep on flying :) )

destiny's calling

On a TV show last night two guys went camping. One of the them unthinkingly touched a bear cub, angered the mother bear who instantly ripped apart the other guy, the guy who knew better. I was always that other guy, the one who had to fight for life ruined by somebody else's mistake.

What a funny game, destiny. I was nursing my wound when he walked by.

"What happened?"he asked.
"I hurt myself,"I replied.

He looked at me, unconvinced. "It seemed like you were hurt by somebody,"

"Some bodies, actually."

Yes, it made me die a little inside each time. Yet how could I escape what had been written for me. I was merely a marginal character in this grand literature. Some people were meant to conquer, some people were meant to be like me, blessed with the know-how yet surrounded by tragic beings, those haunted by personal demons, unable to escape, so they destroyed something, broke something, angered something and that something, by some twist of fate, grabbed at me, damaged me, the unfortunate passer by.

I persevered. When my wound was healed, another being would find me and the scenario repeated itself. Over and over again.

Maybe it was because I never truly longed for anything, I knew better than expecting to see paradise. Maybe because what I truly wanted was to live in complete stillness, devoid of strong emotions, merely passing through, seeing without looking, right to the end. Maybe because wanting to live in still water was an egoistic choice of living and deemed to be more sinful than anything else.

"Are you tired?"he asked.
"Yes, very."

He told me I could have the life that I wanted. But with a price. I knew that nothing comes free in this world. So I braced myself and asked how much.

"It depends how much you value your honesty," he smiled a little when he said this. "Give it up and I will give you endless supplies of masks. Different mask for you to put on when you see different beings. Feed their ego. Let them see you the way they want to see you. Let them believe what they want to believe. They will be contented, they behave, they will leave you alone, and everything will be in order, nothing breaks, nothing hurts you anymore."

I pondered upon his proposal. I couldn't say that I wasn't tempted. Naturally I saw that there is a flaw, but I also knew that I could never have it all. Win some, lose some. Free from unnecessary hurt, lose myself in nameless empty characters. Be true to myself, hurting till the day I die.

In the end I declined. Not without a lurch in my stomach, because I did realize that I might have just turned down my only exit. But I knew, my heart was stronger than anybody else's and every cell in my body healed faster than anybody else's. So there I was, welcoming unnecessary pains of the future. Because it was just the way I was built and I knew better than to escape destiny.