destiny's calling

On a TV show last night two guys went camping. One of the them unthinkingly touched a bear cub, angered the mother bear who instantly ripped apart the other guy, the guy who knew better. I was always that other guy, the one who had to fight for life ruined by somebody else's mistake.

What a funny game, destiny. I was nursing my wound when he walked by.

"What happened?"he asked.
"I hurt myself,"I replied.

He looked at me, unconvinced. "It seemed like you were hurt by somebody,"

"Some bodies, actually."

Yes, it made me die a little inside each time. Yet how could I escape what had been written for me. I was merely a marginal character in this grand literature. Some people were meant to conquer, some people were meant to be like me, blessed with the know-how yet surrounded by tragic beings, those haunted by personal demons, unable to escape, so they destroyed something, broke something, angered something and that something, by some twist of fate, grabbed at me, damaged me, the unfortunate passer by.

I persevered. When my wound was healed, another being would find me and the scenario repeated itself. Over and over again.

Maybe it was because I never truly longed for anything, I knew better than expecting to see paradise. Maybe because what I truly wanted was to live in complete stillness, devoid of strong emotions, merely passing through, seeing without looking, right to the end. Maybe because wanting to live in still water was an egoistic choice of living and deemed to be more sinful than anything else.

"Are you tired?"he asked.
"Yes, very."

He told me I could have the life that I wanted. But with a price. I knew that nothing comes free in this world. So I braced myself and asked how much.

"It depends how much you value your honesty," he smiled a little when he said this. "Give it up and I will give you endless supplies of masks. Different mask for you to put on when you see different beings. Feed their ego. Let them see you the way they want to see you. Let them believe what they want to believe. They will be contented, they behave, they will leave you alone, and everything will be in order, nothing breaks, nothing hurts you anymore."

I pondered upon his proposal. I couldn't say that I wasn't tempted. Naturally I saw that there is a flaw, but I also knew that I could never have it all. Win some, lose some. Free from unnecessary hurt, lose myself in nameless empty characters. Be true to myself, hurting till the day I die.

In the end I declined. Not without a lurch in my stomach, because I did realize that I might have just turned down my only exit. But I knew, my heart was stronger than anybody else's and every cell in my body healed faster than anybody else's. So there I was, welcoming unnecessary pains of the future. Because it was just the way I was built and I knew better than to escape destiny.