she sips her coffee slowly savoring the precious moment of her solitude
it seems ironic that she had spent a magnanimous amount of her breathing time looking for someone to share her life with
while in reality she only finds peace when she has only her own thoughts as company
thirty nine years and thirty five men
though it actually was more than thirty five she simply stopped counting at thirty five
she is the eternal soul searcher
never treachery never deception never a grand scheme
she simply fell out of love every time
it was just the way he buttered his bread
the way he used the wrong fork
the way he misunderstood her words
the way he did not appreciate her time
the way he expected her to accommodate him
the way he wanted her to see things from his eyes
the way he felt too comfortable being in a twosome that he simply dropped his guard and slipped into himself
each and every one of them
and the life she had walked willingly into some years earlier began to feel like a trap
only she was too frightened to admit that she needed no one
she still is
and history repeats itself
it becomes a vicious cycle she is unable to break
today as she sits nursing her milky coffee that grows increasingly cold
she thinks about death and her life in reverse
about the uselessness of love and its consequences
or whether love really exists or is it just a deception
a justification for the need to reproduce
a survival instinct to prevent humanity from extinction
or simply because human beings were not created self sufficient
and the thought of dying alone frightens everyone
although everyone will meet death alone even if hundreds of other people are in the room when death descent
and she feels utterly cheated
it was not them
it w
as not herit was the complexity of dissolving into a blended being
or perhaps it was her inability to accept it graciously
but one can only bend so many rules
she is cursed they may say
but she chooses to believe she is
enlightened
